my eyes are bleeding
tears tracking down my cheeks,
burning in the back of my throat.
snot tracing the contours of my jaw.
i taste the sodium on my skin and
ask myself where to begin.
the pain is an anthem now,
the song of my sorrow screeches in my skull,
bouncing against the wall of my mind,
attempting to escape the boundaries of my consciousness.
my heart is like a magnet.
i try to take all your sorrow and pain and hurt and…
i keep it within me.
i tell myself it’ll hibernate — and when it’s been too long, and it’s dead for sure, i’ll roll it up and throw it out,
and put up a sign — “to let: healed”
but the pain is carrion, it leaves behind its stench,
and after a while, the premises are too far gone,
damaged almost beyond recognition —
as every new stench burrows itself deeper,
settling into the grooves carved out by the last.
these scratches widen into cracks,
and the stench piles upon one another,
until there is nothing left from which to identify what was once my heart.
and still, i wait.
i wait for the sun,
but it is the stars that come instead —
after being in the dark for so long, even they are enough to fill my sky.
some of them turn into black holes,
and others simply fade away.
i give, and i give, and i fight these forces.
and still, i wait for my sun.
this story/poem? is about how exhausting it can be to continue to absorb anyone else’s pain and struggles and sorrow and still act fine, and make space for more, while also losing your sense of self.
we are drawn to every shiny thing that poses as a star.
we become magpies — suddenly, that’s all we can see.
this isn’t a happy piece, because life is neither fun nor easy.
but we can choose to make it a little lighter.
we can choose to appreciate the stars without letting them suck us dry —
when one of them inevitably turns into a black hole.
and even though it’s easy to get lost in that cycle,
we are creators of survival.
everyone’s stars and black holes and suns are different.
we do not all become magpies.
but to those of us that do, i say: hold on tight.
and i hope you find your sun. ♡
with love,
em x
This has moved me beyond the realm. How are you so talented at expressing pain and discomfort in this gorgeous way. I relate so much to this
The Sun rises each day.
Mine hasn’t gone anywhere…she’s only getting older.
There is a huge difference between the stars and the Sun.
If the Sun supernovas and goes to singularity…we aren’t going to last long enough to witness it.